A Letter to Andy
I would like to bear my testimony of the true joy that can be found outside of the oppressive bands of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I still like to call it the Mormon church though because that name is just too damn long! The idea of sharing my story in a single post is a daunting one to me. How can I capture the depth of control and manipulation that was inflicted upon me since birth? How do I explain the religious trauma and complex PTSD that followed after I was excommunicated in 2015 for being gay? How do I show that there is so much healing and empowerment that comes from taking control of your own life and not letting an institution tell you what to think, feel, and experience? I have decided that the best way I know how to tell my story right now is to talk directly to my inner child. I hope you can connect with your own inner child as you read my words. Inner child work has been extremely important in my recovery from the traumatic events that happened throughout my 24 year experience in the Mormon church.
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Dear in the closet Andy,
This is your 29-year-old self writing to you with all of the love and wisdom that I can send! As scary as this sounds, your life has completely changed and not gone the way you envisioned. I am here to let you know that this is not a bad thing. Actually, things are immensely better and you are so much happier! I should start out by saying that it is important for you to know and accept that you are indeed a fabulous gay non-binary person. I know you may be scared of the consequences that this will mean for your church membership and eternal salvation, but I want to let you know things are more than okay now. You will be so proud of your courage to leave the abusive web of the church and to finally start getting to know who the true Andy is. The authentic Andy is incredibly stronger than you could have ever imagined.
A lot has happened in your life; good things and bad. You have grown up in a family that loves you even though it is dysfunctional and unhealthy at times. So much of the abuse that occured is a direct result of the teachings of the church and our parents commitment to being the best Mormon parents they knew how to be. They have been wounded by the abuse of the LDS cult as well and were simply trying to do their best. You get many wonderful opportunities as you grow up, but at the cost of changing and hiding a core part of your identity. Your soul has been hurt many times and you have endured those wounds completely alone. You hear the homophobic and transphobic doctrine over the pulpits and in the Mormon literature. You hear the way your parents, friends, and aquantances at church talk about queer people. You internalize the shame you feel because you have been indoctrinated into believing that gay people are apostates and the most vile of sinners (second worse sin next to murder in the Mormon doctrine). You learn to be afraid of letting anyone in on your internal struggles because of the shame you have been taught by the church. You learn how to filter every aspect of your life to not appear feminine or gay. The stress required to suppress your sexuality and gender identity will take its toll on you. You are on constant alert and never let your guard down. You will come to understand that most of these experiences you are having in your youth are literally the definition of trauma. It will be hard for you to accept that your experiences were actually traumatic compared to the suffering others have endured. Andy, the sooner you can face this trauma head-on, the sooner you will start the healing process.
The future quite literally terrifies you because you are afraid to accept the truth of who you are and the consequences you think it would bring. The church is extremely accomplished at tearing people down so that they are then more susceptible to manipulation. They teach you to completely rely on their doctrine and wrongly make you feel that your natural self is an enemy to god that needs to be healed. The very thought of where you will be in the next few years makes you wish you could die instead of continuing to live in the pain that you feel everyday. You try your very best to ignore the reasons why you are in so much pain and fantasize about death. You believe it would be better for you to die young so that you never have the chance to sin with another man. In fact, you somehow convince yourself that you aren't actually gay. It is amazing and terrifying what the power of the mind can do. As you study psychology, cult mind control, hypnosis, sociology, anthropology, the Theory of Evolution, and so much more of the world's philosophies, then you start to realize you were exposed to so little of humanity's knowledge as a child.
Your biggest desire in life is to feel accepted and loved by those around you. I think you believe that you are not loveable. You think so low of yourself even though you are a wonderfully beautiful human being. So many people will welcome your authentic self. You have an immense amount of love to share with others when your heart is open. The desire you feel to be accepted leads you to try and gain acceptance from everyone, including the church we were raised in. You use food and sweets as a way to self medicate for all the unhappiness you feel in life. You've been told wickedness never was happiness and those outside of the church are miserable. Andy, if you are living as a righteous Mormon, then why are you so unhappy?
One of your biggest fears in life is that you are a homosexual. This is a secret that you plan on taking with you to the grave. You think that you are not being righteous enough because god won’t listen to your pleadings to take away your attraction to men. You think that serving a two year mission is your best chance at proving to god how committed you are so that he can finally make you attracted to women (or at least one female so that temple marriage is possible). You have convinced yourself that the reason you like looking at hot guys is because you admire the male figure and simply wish you looked like them. You ignore the fact that the female body holds absolutely no interest to you. You watch gay porn but your mind has learned to completely block out any opportunities to question your sexual orientation because you believe Mormons can’t be gay. You think that if people knew the truth, then they would not accept you. You are afraid that other guys would be scared to be around you for fear of thinking you're attracted to them. You are afraid your parents would be disappointed in what you are and cut you out of their lives. You are afraid the church you were raised in and believed in will label you as a sinner and you will lose your chance at returning to live with God in the celestial kingdom. You are afraid that you won't be able to go into public without being a target for cruel words and homophobic hate. You are afraid that your friends will no longer be there and accept you. You. Are. Afraid. You are so afraid that you just pretend everything's okay by building up a mighty fortress around your heart and mind.
I wish you could see what the Mormon church is doing to you. It is the main reason you are unhappy, if not the sole cause of your unhappiness. Get away as soon as you can. It won't be easy because Mormonism is more than just a church; it is a culture and your entire life. You will be shunned by some and judged by others, but their opinions don't matter. It is horrible how the church spins this encompassing web that will make it painfully difficult for you to leave, but you are so strong Andy! You will finally love yourself and say, “Enough is enough!” You will get excommunicated and discriminated against because you are gay, but you will be able to look back with pride for fighting for what you believe in. You will be an example to so many for your courage. You don't feel courageous, but there is a bright fire in you that will keep not just you warm, but many others as you share your story. You will finally stop trying to change into who you think other people want you to be and start embracing the power of your unique identity. You are actually going to lose over 100 pounds as you focus on your happiness and mature into a very attractive man/non-binary person (still trying to figure out my gender identity). You get to experience a wide variety of rewarding connections with different men as you shed the expectations of the church and society. You go to The University of Texas on a full ride scholarship and develop into a stunning classical singer and soloist. You get a degree in music education and teach elementary music as you try to become the mentor that we needed when we were a child. You get to travel the country and connect deeply with nature and your spiritual side even though you are an atheist now.
I wish you knew how loved you currently are and how many more people will come to love you over the years. There are a multitude of people that support you and wish for your success. You need to let go of the shame you feel for who you are. You need to realize absolutely nothing is wrong with your sexuality. Nothing! Few things in life are simply black and white like the church teaches you. Learn to see all the colors of the rainbow and understand that there is always a spectrum. Be confident in your instincts and abilities. You are fucking awesome and the sooner you realize that the sooner you will start soaring. It's okay to make mistakes, I promise! I know you are perfectionist (which is a defense mechanism you develop because of your trauma), but failure is one of the greatest chances to learn and grow. Living conservatively will never allow you to reach your highest potential. Have fun along the way! Drink alcohol (responsibly of course)! It helps you loosen up and learn to break down the walls you’ve built around yourself. Get a tattoo or two. Make out with lots of guys. Go on random adventures with strangers. Make friends everywhere you go. What I'm trying to say again and again is DON'T BE AFRAID! Don't be afraid to live life to the fullest and make mistakes. There is only one Andy in the world so make the most of your unique talents and abilities. You don't have to be like anyone else and that is what makes YOU amazing!
I know you are scared of what leaving the church will mean for your relationships with your family and friends that are Mormon. You may not believe this now but your own happiness is more important than anyone else's opinion of you. You have to say goodbye to most of the Mormons in your life, but your family is supportive of your new life. I know you are scared to let go of the concept of a loving God that will welcome you into the never ending happiness of heaven, but those are just comforting lies. Embrace the fact that this life is a beautiful gift from the universe, but also a gift that has a time limit. You will see so much more beauty in the things around you as you embrace the present moment instead of the idea of enduring to the end. If something doesn’t have an ending, then there is no way to experience true happiness. Endings can be beautiful so embrace your life and treat each day as a precious gift.
So in closing, just know your life is going to get better in literally almost every aspect even though the process of leaving will be the hardest thing you will ever do. You will NEVER have it all figured out and you should accept that you will be a constant student throughout your life. Suicide is not an option for us. I promise you life is worth living! I am not promising sunshine and rainbows all of the time. Suffering and pain is a part of life and it is what makes the beautiful moments special. Just because something is painful doesn’t mean that it isn’t worth it. You are not alone in your pain. There is an army of ex-mormons that will be ready to heal right beside you and lift you up. You are going to be successful at whatever you choose to pursue in your life. You are going to have incredible friends that love your authentic self. You are going to be so happy that you cannot even comprehend it! I love you, Andy!
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Dear reader,
If you are a member of the church, then I hope my words can help you see your unlimited potential. I hope you can treat yourself with grace and focus on loving the parts of you that make you human. I hope you can be kind to your inner child and take care of their needs. I hope my words can help you feel like you are not alone in this world and you don’t have to suffer in silence.
If you consider yourself an ex-mormon, then I am so proud of you! I hope you can learn to give yourself a break and realize how incredibly hard it is to leave something like Mormonism. Don’t be too tough on yourself and celebrate all the little victories.
With lots of love,
Andy
TikTok - @gay_exmo
Instagram - @andy.the.giant
