The day my shelf broke
When a person has an experience or a realization that drastically alters or changes their core belief system as they know it, it is commonly called “when my shelf broke”.
I spent two years of my life “testifying” to the people of Pennsylvania that the Mormon church was the ONLY true church of Jesus Christ. For 40 years I believed this to be true. I based my entire existence on the “truth” of these claims. This blog entry is about the day that the church itself testified to me that it indeed is NOT true, that I had been deceived and that I had raised my children in a cult. No one else told or conviced me, the church itself told me plain and simple, on Nov. 15, 2015, that it indeed is not at all what I had always believed it to be.
There are those that believe that when people chose to leave a religion that has always been a part of them, that they are looking for an excuse to do things that the religion doesn’t allow. For a majority of people who leave the Mormon church, this is simply not true. For most of us, we fought hard against the things we found, the lies we had been told and the blatant bigotry and un-christian things we were being told by a man that we had always believed spoke in behalf of God himself. We wanted nothing more than for these things to be untrue, why would we want to uproot the very thing that our entire life had been based on and revolved around?
2013-2014 were tumultuous years for me. My marriage was crumbling (for many reasons) and I was becoming more and more aware that if I didn't “come clean” with those around me about who I really was, I was on a self destructive path that wasn’t going to end well. After my ex-wife and I separated, I moved into an apartment close by so that the kids would be close to both parents. Later, I found a townhome that was more “homey” and had room for all of us. My now husband moved in with us about a year after the separation.
I remember getting a text from my dear friend Ken. He too had been a lifelong member of the church and had served a mission and had become my go to person whenever we needed to vent about the unbelievable things we had once believed to be truth. The text that night read something like this, “Hey, have you seen what just came out about the revisions to the official handbook of the church?” Then he sent me a screenshot that someone had leaked online that had been taken from the official handbook of the church. This book is meant to be a training and guide book for local leaders. It contains all church policies and instructions on how to handle certain situations that may arise in local congregations. The screenshot Ken sent to shook me to my core.
To say that my world was shattered is an understatement. I had never felt Betrayal like I did that day. I had experienced small doubts about the church up until this point, but it was who I was, it was who my family was. I knew that if I was to ever question the church publicly or to ever leave, I would be shunned, always thought of as a sinner and someone who lost their way. The next few days were extremely painful. Not only had I just recently gone through a divorce, still managing and navigating what my new life would look like. Still establishing stronger bonds with each of my children, and still “trying to be gay AND Mormon”. You hear about people being down in the trenches, literally wrestling with their own soul. This was me. I was beyond devastated and knew that I had to make a change that I never thought I would make.
I remember sitting my youngest son down to discuss what the church was asking him to do. Objectively, I asked him “Have you heard the latest policy change from the church?” He said he had heard that kids of gay parents were no longer allowed to be baptized. I told him that was part of it, and then I went on to tell him the “rest of the story” as Paul Harvey used to say. When we were done I remember him having a tear in his eye and saying “Dad, they cant do that, can they?” I assured him that the church had no power over the relationship between he and myself. I did explain that it would be asked of him in his next “interview” if either of his parents were in a same sex relationship, which he would have to say “Yes”. They would then tell him (per the church own policy) that he was required to no longer live with that parent and he must disavow me and my lifestyle. My poor kids, the one thing that was stable in their life at this point was the church, the one place that they thought they could turn for shelter and safety from the woes of the world, and now, the church itself is telling them that their dad is the same as a murderer and pedophile, and that they cannot have a relationship with me any longer. Lets just say that this was the day that my shelf completely broke, and I think it’s fair to speculate that it was the day that the first major cracks began to appear in the shelves of my children.
In Mormonism, anyone in a family unit that does not live up to their “covenants” and pre-destin mission will ultimately be responsible for breaking the “forever family unit”. Yes, I know, crazy right? You ain’t heard nothing yet. At the time, because I was still semi “asleep in cult non-sense” I was horrified that I would be the one of my parents children that would prevent the whole family from being an eternal unit in the hereafter. As I write this page in December of 2021, I still have no idea if anyone in my family has ever read any of my blog (except my kids and my husband). None of them have acknowledged the fact that I am writing it, or offered any words of support or criticism. I would hope that they are reading, as these are my innermost thoughts and my journey through the darkest days of my life. As with most things in mormonism and as the brilliant broadway show “The Book of Mormon” so eloquently put it, most mormons just “Turn it off” if it is something that they don’t want to confront or deal with. I am assuming that is the case with my family, all of whom are still very active in the Mormon church. I now know that this theology is just another scare, shame and cult tactic that the mormon church uses to make you think that there is nothing beyond mormonism and that you need them to ever be anything in this life or the next. On December 3, 2015 I sat down and wrote this letter, signed it, put it in an envelope and dropped it in the mail box.
December 3, 2015
Member Records
50 E North Temple, Room 1372
Salt Lake City, UT 84150-5310
United States
This letter is my formal resignation from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and it is effective immediately. I hereby withdraw my consent to being treated as a member and I withdraw my consent to being subject to church rules, policies, beliefs and 'discipline'. As I am no longer a member, I want my name permanently and completely removed from the membership rolls of the church.
I have given this matter considerable thought. I understand what you consider the 'seriousness' and the 'consequences' of my actions. I am aware that the church handbook says that my resignation "cancels the effects of baptism and confirmation, withdraws the priesthood held by a male member and revokes temple blessings" I also understand that I will be "readmitted to the church by baptism only after a thorough interview". (quotes from the current Church Handbook of Instructions)
My resignation should be processed immediately, without any 'waiting periods'. I am not going to be dissuaded and I am not going to change my mind. I expect this matter to be handled promptly, with respect and with full confidentiality. After today, the only contact I want from the church is a single letter of confirmation to let me know that I am no longer listed as a member of the church.
After a life long journey as a faithful member of the church, returned missionary and member of bishoprics, temple worker and faithful “follower”, it saddens me that the church has become the hate group and bigotry filled organization that it is today. Being a mormon will always be a part of who I am, but I can no longer be a part of this very flawed “group” being run by men who are making grave mistakes and are clearly NOT being led by the God I know and love.
About two months later I received this letter in the mail.
Letter received from Church Headquarters confirming my resignation. AKA Freedom day.
I remember trying to hold things together for my children. I didn’t want to drop this ball on them so soon after the divorce. I continued to attend church with them for a little while, but it became very evident that I was in the wrong place. Talks and lessons that I had once been a part of teaching, sounded foreign, racist, homophobic and bigoted. Comments about mormon superiority and privilege burned my ears like acid. I recall that I had to leave mid-meeting one week because I could no longer take it. I had attended church every Sunday my entire life up until this point.
The next Sunday I decided to take a drive to the beautiful mountains of Utah. I drove up Big Cottonwood canyon and ended up at Silver Lake, one of my favorite spots. I haven’t told many people this but I had a major spiritual experience that day. I still believe in God (however that may look), I am still a spiritual person. That Sunday in the canyon I was alone. I hiked for a mile or two and I began to have an out loud, verbal conversation with my creator. I won’t go into details but I remember crying, screaming and yelling in anger that he would allow me to believe and be part of something so terrible and wrong. The conversation reminded me a lot of one that we had had on many occasions when I plead with him to take the gay away and make me “normal”. There was yelling in those conversations too, but I never really felt anything in return. Now I know why. I was asking a creator, who created me, to change who I was. In his/her patient loving way, calmed my heart and let me know everything was going to be ok. Fast forward to my day in the mountains, I did a lot of yelling expressing my anger, betrayal and disgust with the Mormon church. I like to say that he/she did a lot of yelling back at me. I will tell you that that day in the mountains was a more sacred, spiritual experience than I had ever had to that point in my life and even until now. I realized that day that I had been misled and taught to believe that “man” knew what was best for me, that “man” required me to attend a building every week to be spiritual, to pay tithing to a church that has amassed BILLIONS of dollars from its members. That in order for me to be worthy of exaltation I needed to attend these great and spacious buildings called temples to become nearer to God.
I had found my new temple and it didn’t have any walls, altars, curtains or creepy handshakes and rituals. I had finally found the inner peace I was so desperately seeking. I had found me.
