Change is beautiful...and possible

The below email exchange was between a friend and I after he and his wife were experiencing some troubling fallout from a comment that had been made on social media that was taken by some as being racist. I have deleted names to protect identities. Please read this post in its entirety as to appreciate the message that I am trying to relay. That message is, change can and does happen, words matter and it’s never too late to admit you are wrong.

Hi Andrew,
Hi friend, I wanted to reach out to you. I’ve only seen briefly the controversy that you are dealing with at this time, and I think you are handling it well. Times like this seem to help us refocus, reboot and ask forgiveness, all very hard things to do. We have only met once and my impression of you and your wife was a very good one. I really enjoyed meeting you and the time we spent together. One thing that stuck out in my mind after our meeting was how you both responded when I asked you If you were still “in” the mormon church. Since our meeting I have noticed your posts about going to church and how much your religion means to you.
I think I shared this with you that day, but I too was a grade A number one, fully active member of the church for 45 years of my life. Return missionary, temple worker, Bishop, you name it, I did it. I always knew I was gay and I wanted answers and I wanted someone to tell me I could be gay AND Mormon because I loved my religion so much. That never happened. I saw that you answered a question from someone the other day on your IG story about if you were against homosexuality? I listened to your answer and I thank you for that. But I need to tell you how this comes across to other people who know about or who have lived through the Mormons church’s teachings on the issue. As I told you that day, I left the church in November 2015 when the “policy change” was leaked and I realized for the first time in my life that the church I had devoted my entire life to was indeed NOT true. No one else had to tell me or show me, the church itself testified of that to me that fateful day in November. There was no way that the God I knew in my heart would ever, ever implement such an exclusionary policy that ripped my family apart.


Bottom line is this…The Mormon Church taught me and you, and your wife and all of its members to be racist and homophobic. Whether we knew it or not, they did. We can’t deny it, nor change it. To say that it didn’t happen or to deny the church’s history on either subject is simply gaslighting. The proof is there, written for everyone to see. I guess one could chalk it up to mistakes and that the person who said it didn’t understand and didn’t know any better. Most of the statements about both topics have been from men regarded as “prophets” and some rhetoric on the subject of gays is still being taught to this very day.
My intention of this email is not to bash your church, nor to try to convince you that what you believe is wrong. My purpose for even sending this email is because I really enjoyed meeting you and I care for you guys and I think its very important that you understand how your stance with the church cannot co-exist with an attitude of “We love gay people, we lived in San Fransisco and most of our friends are gay”. To me and others who watch this kind of behavior from church members is very upsetting. You cannot fully accept, believe in and support the Mormon church, its history and beleifs AND say that you fully support and love the LGBTQ community. I once said to a friend who was in a similar situation as you, “Maybe this will help you understand…. how is what you are doing and saying any different than if I had an african american friend who I claimed to support and love dearly and would do anything for, yet I still attended and supported $$ the KKK? In the eyes of us who have discovered the truth and seen the lies that the church has hidden for decades, there isn’t much difference, and that hurts. Bad.
I am going to attach some very informative resources that I think might help you at this time.
I write a blog, I think that my first entry may be of some insight to you.
https://www.idliketobearmytestimony.com/blog/2019/7/8/my-first-real-testimony-zy9s3

A friend fo mine from SLC complied this amazing document outlining the things that the church has said about the subject of homosexuality. If you can read it and still feel that the two worlds can co-exisit, I would be more than surprised.
www.LatterGayStories.org/record

Again, I really enjoyed meeting you, I just thought it was very important to point this out to you. If you want to discuss further I am available anytime.
Your fellow Iron County Bro:
Brandon Spevak

His Response about a week later…

Hey Brandon,
Thanks so much for the email and the kind words. That weekend was rough so we appreciated all our friends and loved ones who reached out with love and support.
My wife and I really enjoyed meeting you and chatting with you as well! Likewise, our first impression of you was a very good one.
I want to thank you for sharing your heart with me on this topic. It is obviously a subject that brought a lot of pain to people both in and out of the Mormon church. I've thought a lot about it over the years and have done my research and talked with many members (and non-members) who share stories like yours. We attended a symposium in our San Francisco ward one evening that gave the floor to LGBTQ members and we all just listened, asked questions, etc. with the sole purpose of fostering a spirit of love and acceptance. It was a beautiful evening and we were really glad we attended. That experience has always stuck out in my mind. I also recently watched Dan Reynolds' (lead singer of Imagine Dragons and a fellow Las Vegas Mormon like Sarah) HBO documentary Believer where he documents the disturbing suicide rate of LGBTQ teens in Utah and his journey in creating the LoveLoud Festival to bring Mormons and the LGBTQ community together. It was very eye opening and discussed a lot of heartbreaking stories but also gave a lot of hope. If you haven't seen it, definitely worth watching. Here's a link to watch the whole doc for free on YouTube.
At the end of the day, my response about being a member of the LDS church while also being an LGBTQ ally is the same as Dan Reynolds in the documentary when a radio interviewer asked him why he hasn't left the church if he's also campaigning so hard for gay rights. He replies: "I don't feel a need to renounce Mormonism. I do feel a need as a Mormon to speak out against things that I think are hurting people." And that's how I feel. I'm far from the perfect Mormon and I think we even told you that we have all but removed ourselves from the cultural aspect of being Mormon that can be so frustrating and odd. But as far as the gospel goes, there are a lot of parts of my faith that I still connect with and bring me hope and happiness. When it comes to gay rights, I completely understand how you feel it's impossible to both be Mormon and support my gay brothers and sisters. You've been hurt and there have been policies that have taken your rights away. But I feel there are many members of the church who are 100% allies to the LGBTQ community and can still practice their faith at the same time. I consider myself to be a part of that group that is hopefully driving change from within.
Thank you again for reaching out and being so open with me. I'm so glad we can have a positive exchange on this and I appreciate you shedding light for me. Your story is powerful and I hope you know I completely support your journey and I'm happy you have found your true happiness. Nothing but love over here!
Have a great week, Brandon!
Talk soon,
Andrew

I did not respond to this email. It hurt, but I was used to hearing responses like this from Mormon apologists. I decided to leave it alone.

Fast forward two full years to just last week. I woke up to an email from this friend, who I had not heard from at all since the above email.

Hey Brandon, hope you’re doing well since we last chatted. Today I woke up after a recent conversation with a close gay friend of ours and felt the need to apologize to you. I’m sure our previous exchange left you feeling sad or misunderstood or unsupported or all of those things and more. I hate that. I look back on my reply to your email a couple years ago and I see someone who… only knew what they knew at that time, as immature and ignorant as it was. 😔 As my therapist always says, “When you know better, you do better.” The fact is, I didn’t know any better when I replied to you. The good news is I know better now. 💛 A lot of growth and experience has happened in my life since that exchange (thank goodness). In the two years since we had this exchange, I have continued to explore this new chapter of my life where I do not subscribe to Mormonism and a lot of the ideals and philosophies I was surrounded by growing up. I feel free from all that and it feels good. That said, like many, I cringe to think about some of the things I said and did when I was Mormon. 🤦🏼‍♂️ I’m sure you can relate. It’s a lot of unpacking and unlearning. Anyway, I’m doing great now and hope you are too. I’ve had so many amazing conversations with friends over the last couple years and I’ve been reminded of my exchange with you and it’s overdue. Thank you for emailing me and challenging me in a kind and introspective way. Your hurt is real, your hurt is valid, and I’m sorry if you felt at all that your words were falling on deaf ears with me. I really hope not. But again, I only knew what I knew back then. 💔 Let’s just say I’m very glad to have lived a lot of life and done the work the past couple years and look back on that reply and not even recognize it. Life is crazy and we’re all learning and growing and evolving. I just wanted to send my love and apologize and let you know I’m rocking with you. I support you. Period. Full stop. 💛
Hope you and the fam and the business are doing well! Sending love,
Andrew

My heartfelt response.

Hey Andrew,
It was so great to wake up Saturday morning and have an email from an old friend. I cannot believe that it has been two years since we had this exchange. Wow.
First, I want to thank you for taking the time to draft this email. It would have been very easy for you to have not, but the fact that you did, means a whole lot to me.Although it is never my intention to “get someone to leave” the mormon church, I am so happy that you and your wife have decided to do so. I know my journey out of the church was a rough one and I still deal with the trauma of being a mormon to this day. So so happy that you have realized the wrongs, the lies and the hypocrisy. You will see so many things from the outside so differently than you ever did being on the inside. I sometimes hear a member say something and ask myself, “did I really say or believe that?” Its shocking to me sometimes.Your validation of my pain, my hurt and my story is huge to me. I must tell you that I cried as I read the email. I read it to my adult daughter and she wept too.
Lastly, I think that the message of what has happened here is HUGE. I would really like to share this exchange on my blog, of course I will change names for anonymity, with your permission of course. My hope is that other people will see that even though you have a good heart with what you think are good intentions, there is still room for improvement, acceptance and change.
Thanks again. Let me know what you think.
A double date with you two would be amazing if you are ever up for it?
Brandon

I am so glad he agreed to let me share this. I think that so many people who feel like there is no way for them to ever betray or question a religion that they were raised in is so mis guided. The moral of this story is “listen to your heart”. Everyone knows what is right, we all know that some of the teachings of ALL churches are not what God would teach. One of the most important things that I have realized along this journey of mine is this. Religion and Spirituality are two very different things. As far as I can tell, organized religion is merely a business cloaked as a church. If the church is all about the money, they are not of God. Period. I have studied so many other churches since leaving Mormonism and they are all the same. Can one still be a spiritual person without belonging to a church? Why yes, yes they can. In fact, in my humble opinion they are much more christian like than those who are part of religion.

It’s ok to ask questions, it’s ok to study and investigate and read things that weren’t written by your church. And yes, it’s ok to leave if you find yourself at that crossroads like so many of us have. My life is so much fuller, so much more full of authentic love, so much less shame and guilt, so much more acceptance and PURE love. Isn’t that what we all are looking for really?