Just get married...It will go away.
In 1973, the Mormon church ordained a man named Spencer W. Kimball to be the prophet, leader, president of the church. This event coinciding with my birth in 1970 has produced many devastating consequences throughout my life. Spencer W. Kimball served as prophet of the Mormon church for almost 12 years until his death in 1985. For my readers unfamiliar with Mormonism, the prophet is a man who mormons believe speaks to and for God himself. You are not allowed to question what he says or to disobey his teachings. Spencer W. Kimball was the first prophet to openly discuss homosexuality and the church’s stance on the issue.
It was 1988 in the small southern Utah town of Cedar City. It was a big, exciting year for me. I would graduate high school in June and start my freshman year at Southern Utah University that fall. I also was planning for my Mormon Mission that I knew I would be called on the following September when I turned 19.
Even though I already knew I was attracted to both men and women, I certainly had not allowed myself to even think for a moment that I might be “gay”. In the Mormon church, it is more clinically referred to as “SSA” or “Same Sex Attraction” a term that actually now gives me the actual creeps. I believe that the church used this term because they truly believed that it was a curable sickness or affliction. In the eyes of the church, people like me are broken, flawed and imperfect. We need to be “fixed”, “corrected” or “cured”. To an 18 year old, overweight, self conscious confused boy in a small town, there seemed to be no help in sight. Should I tell someone? Should I “confess” to my bishop how I felt? Should I speak to my parents about it?
I continued to date girls, as I figured that this was my only option. I also figured that my “condition” would go away if I prayed hard enough, if I served the Lord obediently enough, if I just wanted to change enough he would surely take this “disease” from me.
There is something that I think only men and women who have been through this can relate to. There is a deep sense of identity that I find hard to put into words. Almost like a timestamp on a photograph, I could feel in the depths of my soul who I really was, who I was created to be and who I had to hide from the world because I was taught to suppress those thoughts and feelings from a very young age. The internal conflict is real. The constant conflict between that “time stamp” and what your religion is telling you is no joke. When you believe with all of your heart that your religion is true and the only way back to God, you are forced to make some very difficult decisions.
As I mentioned before, I was always attracted to both sexes. I found beauty and attractiveness in all people and could not figure out why it was not ok to feel this way. Once I began to understand the stance of my church on the issue of people like me, who felt this way, who had SSA, the war between my brain and my heart raged even harder. As a young mormon boy prepares for a mission he is subjected to a number of intense, in depth interviews to determine worthiness and commitment. No one ever forced me to to serve a mission. I truly had a desire. I have always wanted to help people and be kind (one of the best qualities of this gay man) so I figured the best thing I could do was to serve this 2 year mission for my church.
I remember my first interview with Bishop Newville. An older man with a twinkle in his eye and a southern drawl. He asked me the usual questions that would qualify me to serve. I remember him asking about masturbation. Earlier in this post I mentioned the Mormon Prophet Spencer W. Kimball. Kimball wrote a now infamous and redacted book called the “Miracle of Forgiveness”. This was required reading for future missionaries. It also contained some of the most barbaric, antiquated, non-christian ideology that has ever been written. Because I had read this book, I knew that in the church eyes, masturbation was a grave sin and should not be practiced EVER. I also knew by this point in my life that I was a very sexual person. Well, when one is a very sexual person but confined by the restraints of saving myself for marriage, there is only one other option. So, you guessed it, when he asked me if I participated in masturbation I lied. I knew that if I admitted it, I would be found unworthy to serve. That was the beginning of the lying, shame and hiding. I lied about that question the remainder of my life within the church. And I have a little secret….so did everyone else. Including the nasty old man asking you about it.
Prophet Spencer W. Kimball, The Miracle of Forgiveness, p. 182
Prophets anciently and today condemn masturbation. It induces feelings of guilt and shame. It is detrimental to spirituality. It indicates slavery to the flesh, not that mastery of it and the growth toward godhood which is the object of our mortal life. Our modern prophet has indicated that no young man should be called on a mission who is not free from this practice.
He then asked me if I had anything else I needed to confess or clear up? I told him that I was attracted to both men and women. I found them equally attractive and I knew that this was wrong. What I was told that day remained with me for years. He told me that after serving a faithful, obedient mission, the lord would bless me with a young woman who I would be able to marry and my attraction to men would magically go away. Looking back on this now, I cannot believe how damaging this was to me and to other people who were told the same thing, not to mention the future spouses of people who were given this misguided, harmful instruction. A large portion of my story begins when I returned home from my 2 year mission. Many of my future posts will be about this portion fo my story.
Boyd K. Packer, a member of the quorum of the twelve (essentially one of the modern day twelve apostles according to Mormons) was just as hateful and homophobic as Kimball. I remember rejoicing the day that he died. He brought so much un needed pain and suffering to myself and my gay brothers and sisters.
“It was intended that we use this power only with our partner in marriage. I repeat, very plainly, physical mischief with another man is forbidden. It is forbidden by the Lord.
“There are some men who entice young men to join them in these immoral acts. If you are ever approached to participate in anything like that, it is time to vigorously resist.
“While I was in a mission on one occasion, a missionary said he had something to confess. I was very worried because he just could not get himself to tell me what he had done.
“After patient encouragement he blurted out, ‘I hit my companion.'
“ ‘Oh, is that all,' I said in great relief.
“ ‘But I floored him,” he said.
“After learning a little more [his companion was gay], my response was ‘Well, thanks. Somebody had to do it, and it wouldn't have been well for a General Authority to solve the problem that way.'
“I am not recommending that course to you, but I am not omitting it. You must protect yourself.”
- Boyd K. Packer, “To Young Men Only,” General Conference, Oct. 1976; online at Link is here.
In Mormondom there is one remaining man who is still living and continues on with this ridiculous rhetoric is a man named Dallin H. Oaks. He continues to spew hate and homophobia to members of the church who will believe anything he says. I had the misfortune of meeting him on several occasions. He is a terrible, hateful, vile man. The world will be a better place when he leaves this life as well. There has been so much blood spilled because of what these men have taught. The senseless suicides of young people all over the world because of these men are directly the responsibility of those who taught such untruths.
Believers always ask, "Why can't you just leave it alone? If it makes people happy, why is it your business?"
I think because we see the barriers to authentic lives that constrain our loved ones. We hurt for them. We suffer for them. We fear for them. We see the exploitation of their time and money for a cause that is useless at best, destructive at worst.
We see the estrangement of families, the judgment of people who don't conform to the narrow, arbitrary and petty definitions of what constitutes worthiness. (Coffee? Bare shoulders? Please!) We see the demand for unrealistic perfectionism. We see the cruelty, the guilting, the shaming, the pious hypocritical leaders and the naive, blind followers they brainwash.
As much as I might try, I cannot NOT obsess about the church and it's unholy control of people's lives. Many of these people are people I love and some of the most important people in my life.